The Ladi Doth Protest Too Much

capucha:

shawnbaldwin:

Every summer night when I was small, my dad would take me down to the park when he’d get off work. I loved playing make-believe, I loved the slide, I loved climbing on the monkey bars; but more than anything, I loved the swing. It was the first time I felt limitless. I used to sit on the swing, my father pushing me; faster and faster, higher and higher, I wanted to go beyond what was possible. My dad could get me swinging high above his head, with gravity, the world, seemingly unable to keep me down. I would close my eyes and feel the cool wind against my face, as my heart raced in my chest. And when I would get as high as my dad could get me, I would jump; he would gasp, and so would I, two deep breathes inward. And as I floated in the air, in that moment before gravity could catch me, I felt infinite. Each time. Everytime. For just a moment, I was always certain that I was destined for the stars.

Each time I would crash down, against the earth; grass between my fingers, dirt beneath my nails. I tried for years, but I always met the ground. I began to learn that life was rules and structure, reward and punishment; I forgot too soon what it felt like to be free, to believe that there was no beginning and there was no end. I began to see nothing but laws: the laws of nature, the laws of the gov’t, the laws of foreign gods. All of them told me one thing: you can’t. And I soon I believed it, soon I stopped trying.

I found myself in chains; my ankle raw and bruised. I took a walk back down to the park of my childhood, dragging my doubts behind me. Sitting back on the swing that taught me truth, I pumped my legs; back and forth, generating motion. I began to reach the sky, slowly, but this time on my own. I needn’t my father, I needn’t the push; on my own, I began to pick up momentum. The sun was setting, golden light cast across the sky and everything bound to earth; it was tempting, but my eyes stayed focused on the evening horizon. Higher and higher, faster and faster, I was far above everyone’s heads. I closed my eyes and I felt the wind, I let it moved through me. And then, when I knew the swing couldn’t take me any further, I let go. Again, the feeling was recaptured; I soared through the sky, without the pull of gravity. I was without limit. I was infinite. And I never came down.